Woman not getting “joy” during sexual intercourse.
I’ve been following your blog since you first started and even though I know that you have not covered sexual issues between men and women, I hope you will answer a question I’d like to ask you, and men reading this blog. I’ve been dating an intelligent, smart, beautiful and some what controlling woman for over a year, we have what I perceived a normal sexual life, being intimate two to three times a week, depending on our work schedule, we’re in our early mid, forties, and yet she’s only reached her orgasm a few times with me, through self-stimulation. I’ve tried everything from talking about it, suggesting a vibrator, doing plenty of foreplay, from doing massage’s, to trying to stimulate her from her big toe to the top of her head, with out joy, as in reaching her orgasm, while having sexual intercourse and or me trying to stimulate her. All my relationships in the past have been pleased with the attention I’ve been able to give her, especially helping them reach their orgasm before me, and or reaching this place together. My patience is wearing out, all along, I’ve been feeling bad, and sad, some times resentful as if she was holding something back from me, and at times, it brings feelings of being impotent and helpless in not being able to help her. Any suggestions? Marc
15 comments
Thank you Marc for your participation and question. I’m sure; other men have encountered this in their lovemaking. First, I’m not a sex therapist, and yet I know that having your partner reach an orgasm is not entirely your responsibility, but it literally takes two to tango.
Recently I read a brief article on the Sex Bulletin, of the Men’s Health magazine, I believe it was the October/November issue of last year, about women not being able to reach orgasms easily. It stated that women that are not connected to their emotional body, their feelings and emotions, have difficulty reaching orgasms. It stated that according to a U.K. research, women that had a deeper awareness and connection to their feelings and emotions could easily have more orgasm with their partners through sexual intercourse.
Besides the lack of emotional connection, another factor is women that are not able to “let go” of control, which as I write this, I understand that we may be talking about a similar issues. Women controlling they’re connecting to their feeling body.
You mentioned that she was “some what” controlling, well from my experience “some what” does not exist, in self control issues, you’re either controlling or you’re not. Especially, if the control issues comes from an old survival concern in her life. You feeling resentful about her holding back may be right, due to her fear and control issues.
You bring together those two factors, of a woman not being connected to her emotional body, and one that needs to be in control of her orgasmic sexual nature, and well, you may have a woman with no connection to her own “joy” with you during intercourse, except when she’s in control. She may be doing this because of her fear of opening up to you, or some deep rooted unhealed fear from her past.
First, no one is wrong here, what I suggest is that you talk to her about this, by explaining how you feel about this, and tell her that you want to help. No blame here, just your feelings about your feelings. Suggest seeing a therapist together, meanwhile, keep having intimate moments with her, extend your foreplay, continue having sexual intercourse, be loving to her, tell her what you like and love about her, ask her what she wants and likes while being intimate, and then do it for her and you.
Reinforce her to express what she’s feeling moment to moment, and continue to extend your foreplay time together. I know that I’ve said this before, but I believe that we men have a different understanding of foreplay than women. Therefore, what ever you’ve been doing before, double your time, and attention to some of her erogenous zones that you have not explored. Ask her to guide you if she’s able, if not, venture out and enjoy.
Most importantly, is for you to keep speaking your emotional truth to her for yourself, tell her how you feel about her not being able to enjoy this part of love making together with you, without being the victim, and especially that things will get better. This will do two things; help you express your emotional body of what your feeling about that, and possibly set an example for her, in the hopes that she may follow your connection and expression of your feelings about that issue.
By the way Marc, my congratulations on your connection and expression of your feelings about this issue on this blog. You set a good example for many reading this. Now all you have to do is tell her about your feelings about this issue, with out blaming or making anyone wrong… luis
i can not think of a more beautiful sensitive intelligent response than what was given… a tough situation… he may want to move on.. and then again perhaps not.. i married a girl thinking that she would become more sexually responsive and it did not happen .. ultimately i ended the marriage as this area of life was important to me and we just did not connect.. i would make love to her and afterwards feel totally lonely… my best to all .. rafael
still thinking about marc.. i think for me what was more important than the girl reaching a climax is if she loves sex.. i had a love one time who never reached a climax but she loved to make love.. you could feel it and see it.. that was more important to me than her reaching a climax.. in my opinion if they really do not enjoy the love making do not hold your breath waiting for her to wake up sexually ..
rafael
wow you men are amazing. seems like its easier for you to put the burden on the woman than look at yourself. Rafael love your attitude. Can you imagine the pressure put on a woman to perform and climax, just so that you will be happy. what is this a performing act? or love making?
sounds like Fraud all over again, old slow energy belonging to the past. How about asking her what pleases her? if in fact the foreplay is how she likes it and as long as she likes it? or is there something that shes holding back and not saying about the relationship? Maybe outside of the bedroom she would like you to woo her a little more. A woman brings to the bedroom often unresolved issues from daily life with her partner.
Thank you Rafael for your candid observations. Also thank you Amanda for your input, it’s always good to get a woman’s perspective, especially on this sensitive issue. We men are learning about the “relational” of partnership, hence the blog.
I like what you say about women bringing unresolved issues to the lovemaking. My sense is that we men also have the same issue, we may hide it more from our control issue, and communicating like this I believe helps, now all we need is communicate this with our beloved. Thank you both… luis
hello Admin,
thank you for the opportunity you gave me to react by being honest .
Iwant to reflect this: Who is controlling who here? Is the fact that she gets a orgasm from your endeaviour the condition for you to continue to love her?
Does she likes lovemaking? and if yes, is the fact that she gets orgasms a condition to like it? Perhaps she is really satisfied?
I, as a woman, don’t like this imposed urge to perform. I like to feel free to be myself also and certainly in sex-matters.
Another question: Why does it affect your self-esteem?
Because you have the illusion not to be perfect as you are?
Perhaps it would be good for you both, if you want to continue your relationship with each other to see a therapist together.
I know that in relationship we are very vulnerable and we hold back our fears and expectations because most of us think we’re not good ( not perfect) enough and therefore we will loose this partner .
This is a opportunity to be true, to become free inside . And in fact for me it is this trueness, the ability to be vulnerable in a man that has the most attraction on me, as a woman. It makes me feel safe, that I can count on him, that he is standing next to me , as a deer true friend, because he has nothing to hide.
I am sure you will find your answers in great beauty and honesty. It is an opportunity for getting insight from the beautyfull person that you are.
Marc, you comment toward the end “My patience is wearing out, all along, I’ve been feeling bad, and sad, some times resentful as if she was holding something back from me, and at times, it brings feelings of being impotent and helpless in not being able to help her” It sounds to me like you are doing all you can Out There, but Is your happiness conditional of her achievement of orgasm? feelings of being not good enough ‘impotent’ and unsupported and out of control ‘helpless’ are yours not hers. I have found that the only thing we can really influence is our own inner thinking and feeling pattern, what we see ‘outside’ of us is a reflection, a mirror. If we own that and move closer to a place of self love and acceptance conditions ‘outside’ change. You’ll know you are moving in that direction by your degree of feeling better and better. Let go controlling her and look within as you change the conditions will change.
Love and respect to You. Jason
Thank you Brigitte for your input, and yes I agree, we men need to be more approachable and vulnerable, that’s why we do this men’s Path of Empowerment, to connect with our emotional side, besides our mental thinking. From my perspective once there, with our “feminine,” our emotional, and feeling body, it’s much easier for us to be more compassionate, understanding, and loving. Thanks… luis
Thank you Jason for your input, so true, when we don’t look inside, to claim and heal, we may project it on to our beloved. Not good or impeccable, as I see it, there’s really nothing out side of our selves, except our own wounds being projected on to others. Our happiness should not be connected to the love making we think we need or want for that matter, but what suits us at that moment. As we grow older relationally, our sexual wants and needs do change. We men and women should talk, communicate more through intimate, and vulnerable moments in becoming more aware, compassionate, and loving with our selves and partners… luis
There are many relationships that grows from the need of not been alone, from the necessity of feeling like “Romeo”, conquering the women in a need to feel valid, as a superficial mechanism that conceals fear to be alone, to demostrate ourself that we are good enougth. as Don Luis said, and I agree, is a pure manifestation of our wounds.
I don´t think sex is necessary for me (or at least it shouldn´t be for us), but I do love to feel the major pleassure of expressing my love by feeling the entire body language of my lovin partner.
I have learned, after many other mistaken relationships, that the best way I could get closer to my partner, without any fear , and with any expectation was by realising that I, as a man, have all I need as I am.
I have been in a situation , thanks to Don Luis, in which, by connecting with my essence, through the toltec wisdom, I could feel all the love I needed at that time, and I could realiced that it was there, all the time with me!!!!.
I all started when I met one of the most “beautiful woman”. We worked together and at that time I was a bit fearful to iniciate a relationship of such characteristics. But, “so is love”, we got in love and iniciated that relation.
The beginig was full of sexual intercourses. After nearly one year, It continued the same. But there was somethig odd there. I could not possible see her outside the work, when she was in “her world”, with friend (boys, gilrs..) familly… I kept asking her why, but at the same time I didn´t want to pressure her. I stayed in that situation, firsly consious of what I was doing (giving her time, but with very good sex). After six months I finish the relation, but at the next moth, I agree to continue by accepting few changes. …..
When the time passed, I realized that I was feeling anger with her, and the sexual act turned in an act of atonement of the sins for not letting me to participate of the remainder of its life. I felt nothing but rage, anger, empty, feeling not good enough… By stopping for a While, and giving me time to realise how I felt, who I was, What I wanted, but overall, by talking to myself (my heart), I could understand the relation I was living in. It was a perfect example of the relationship I was living with myself!!!.
I was always searching for the felling I needed at that time outside, because my mind was sure about where to find the “love” I needed. I needed to confirm my value by conquering that woman, that of course was living live from fear, as I was. Was that love?, of course not!. How could I, as a man , live in a relationsiph based in fear, expressing my feeling to that woman?,
I needed to connect with myself and realise how unique and extraordinary I am. I needed to express my fears, to cry, to feel the forgiveness of my spirit, of my heart for forgeting who I am, to look inside to heal my wounds.
By this exercise I managed to connect with the femenin part of me. That part that today is able to express any doubts to my partner, to ask her what she needs or wants during our intimate moments, without expectation about having, she or me, an orgasms. Just intimate by the pleasure of comunicate our love with our bodies, using caresses, talking to her how much I love her, appreciate and how calm and equilibrate she lets me feel.
That, I could say, is LOVE. A state in which you can be youself, with another.
Thank you you all.
José
Thank you so much Jose.
Thank you José for your comment. There’s a lot in what you say, let me first respond by reiterating what you said, that our bodies don’t really need sex to be fulfilled as humans beings. Besides the wanting to procreate, and or to be intimate in relation, the need and wanting for sex usually comes from the “ego of mind” wanting to control and manipulate the partner. Now if that control comes from fear, which is normally the case when things are initiated only from the mind, not including the emotional body of feelings and emotions, one is asking the partner to align with that fear. Once both are aligned with the fear, every time they come together, in any way, they increase that fear in each one, and in the relationship.
It seems that this “beautiful” woman at your place of work – irrelevant of the issues that come up when you become intimate with someone at work – had another agenda for you, and whatever connection you both chose, “choice” being the key here between two consenting adults, it happened. The gift as you explain is realizing that the love you were looking for was in you. That is what self-love and respect gives you as it supports you to say to her what ever you want in a relationship, as well as to hear what she wants, and if there’s commonality, then the relationship can progress to the subsequent level. If you or she’s is not able to do that, then you can make another choice, as you did by ending the relationship, no matter how good the sex was.
From my understanding, most humans are looking for the love, out side of them, with out first connecting with their own self-love and respect. This kind of attraction and relationship, from my perspective, brings about dysfunctional relationships. That’s how the “Language of Love Workshop” came about, to help men and women create a deeper, connected love and respect for them selves. Learning seven way’s to love ones self, to eventually open to the universal Love. Once the connection to Self is developed, one can reach out to the beloved, for a deeper connection with all of what you both have chosen for each other and relationship. This realization can happen as single individuals, and or couples in relationship.
Hello Luis, I do agree with you in that, whatever connection between she and me was chosen, the key here was the act of “choosing” that for me, and she.
What I felt in Ballybaughan was not a regret, as I could not possibly regret on something I chose, but I had possibility to face the victim in me, that had been feeding for so long, thanks to that relation… In that exact moment, when I could see that victim, I had the sensation of being in a play, where a very diversd group of “actors” were continuosly acting in that play that I would call ” Parasitic relations”. Where the victim fed the judge in my, who would condemned me to 1 year of fault sensation. That, at the same time, fed back the sensation of being not good enough . To finally, finish in the victim actor, again.
My quetion was, Do I realy deserve to live like that?, How much pain do I “think” I deserved?, and why?
Now I feel I deserve all the love I can give to myself, and with that, the people arround me could felt a more loving relation from me to them.
I´m steel working with the victim in me, because I have experienced that the victim is an actor with many, many characters. Take care with it!!
thank you
it is easy for a man to be a man in the world if he feels he is a man in bed
What makes you a man?, the bed, the sexual act, or the way you take care of yourself and recognice and accept how you are ?.
There are many women in the world and each of them would confess you many different thing about how they felt with the sex you gave to them, what makes you think that you or him or me are men, then?, (not taking about the obvious physical part). I don´t think the EGO or SELF IMPORTANCE, that can manifest in any sexual act when thought from the mind, woul be satisfy ever, even if a woman says how good it was. Even with the most beautiful and passioned woman, we can feel the emptiness, coming from our essence when we start living forgetting who we are as humans or men, what we want, and how we are feeling.
So, to end with I would ask, why wait for someone to value you if you know the precious person (men or women) you are?… or not?
Where does our love live?
Thank you so much… men and women in connection
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