Stalking the Pre Emasculated Man
Stalking the Pre Emasculated Man
I was having diner with friends last week, a couple that’s been happily married for years, and after hearing their words of joy of being in relation for so many years, I asked him what was his secret. As his wife listened quietly, “Oh its simple” he said, “you just love your wife more than you love your self.”
As I heard him say that, it brought up all that I’ve learned from doing this Toltec work, that say’s, one needs to care and love one’s self over others and or things. I know that by doing this work, one can sustain the care and love for others but only after first loving and supporting them selves first.
I know this place well, since I had done that for so many years in attempting to please women, as my mother, sister, and as some of my first relationship with women thought me in my early years of life and before this teaching.
I question my friend kindly to hear more about his statement. He did say more, at first to reinforce his initial statement, and the more he talked about it the more he realized what he had really said and meant… giving his love over to someone else.
Later as he kept talking, you could see him understanding the context of what he had said. You could see it in his face, it was an “aha,” moment for him, his eyes got bigger, he started to smile, and soon started to retract his statement about loving her over him self. He “stalked” himself beautifully he understood his words and what they really meant, especially about him. He then started retracting his statement by voicing the mistake of what he had said.
It seemed to finally all came to place in him, you could see it, and it was evident by the look in his face, as he got it. It was an “act of power” on his part, and I commend him for it as he said, “well, really, I love my self more,” or something to that effect.
A thank you friend for this excellent example of the stalking process of one’s self in the moment. Here the possible victim becomes the “Shape Shifter” of today. He did this by refraining, and transforming his words from an untruth of living in a relationship that creates you being less than, to one of loving him self over anyone or anything else, so that in turn he can support him self, his partner, family, and community.
Now, I am aware that many relationship work that way of giving your love over to your partner for their keeping… well, maybe for a while that is, until the giving partner gets to a place that they have lost a sense of “who” and “what” they are over to their partner in relationship.
I have had the opportunity to see and work with man that have given their power away to their partners, by giving over to the women, simple to major choice’s for them selves, their relationship, and issues about family or work. Let me say that this is not necessarily the woman’s problem and or issue, well, in reality it’s both their responsibility, but more, and especially in this context, the need for the man to take his place in relationship with the woman partner. Right along side the partner, not behind or in front, but right next to each other.
I am also aware that this process of giving away of one’s power, may also happened to the woman in relationship with a man. She loosing her place over the man’s will. It seems to me that either one can come to a deserving place in relationship by creating healthy boundaries; by wanting to care and love one’s self over anyone or anything else. To many, a challenge by the way we have been taught to help, support and love others over our selves.
Now back to the man’s process, I’ve often seen men not wanting to make choices and or take responsibility for him self in relationship, maybe because of past wounds and issues from his cultural domestication, that he has not healed yet. The woman as we often see in human nature, irrelevant of gender, will take command and may even tell him what he needs to do for her and family. Now depending on the unresolved issues the man has with his mother and women in general, he may rebel, succumbs, or align with each other in creating a “mutual” and satisfactory choice. If he rebels, he becomes the child rebelling against mother through his partner. If he succumbs, becoming the victim, he will end up being controlled and or manipulated in doing what she can to make the family safe, sufficient, and functional, creating a bigger victim in him.
The man then losses his place as equal partner, father, and a positive role model for his children and community. He becomes emasculated, as he looses his place as equals in relationship with his partner.
Do you know anyone that lives that way? Would you say that this is the case with your relationship? Do you have children that are emulating those limited traits in you and or your partner as in the case of men and or women loosing their place in relationship? In turn, this may be creating resentment, anger, in you and or partner, and have become a victim about the relationship, that after imploding for so long, you are an “explosion” ready to happen?
Does this sound familiar?
Happy stalking… luis
7 comments
This article struck a cord for me. I realised a while back that I have been an imploder all my life around my Mother. Fearfully obedient. Outside the home as a young man I would rebel at all authority an angry victim, fearful in front of her but ‘fearless’ outside her control.
I recognise from her point of view she has always had our best interest at heart and I am gratiful for the gift that I need to find the confidence to face the fear of rejection or disapproval from anothers. To be honest with my needs and love myself so much that I am only self-respecting and self approving so that I never again let another dictate how I live and express myself.
Love to you Mum always Jason.
Yes, Jason, I agree, this could strike a cord with many men, especially those men that are still working out issues with their mothers. You know, those boy’s, that are men now, that may be working out unresolved issues with mother through their limited projection of that, on to their present women partners. Such as the little boy that could never show any type of rebellion toward mother then, could be doing that now with his present woman partner.
As we men heal wounds with mother, our relationships with our wives, women partners and women friends become more enriching and love based. Of course, the relationship with mother becomes honest, real and more of equals than mother and child. This gives the boy an opportunity of growing up, as he takes responsibility of his feelings and emotions about his mother, to include any limited remarks and or statements about her, and consequently sees women in life for who they really are, and not his limited projections.
He is dead on about needing to have equality in the relationship.
Here are few of my thoughts:
At the same time, though, there are still plenty of domineering men, whose problem is the reverse of the one Luis is describing here. We are still living in the shadow of the older idea of the masculine as the controlling and dominating force. There is some truth in it, but it has been used (and still Is used in many countries) as a way of subjugating and exploiting women. That is no longer true in American culture, I think, and men have paid a price in over-accommodating women. In many parts of the world, the treatment of women is an abomination. There is no parallel in the treatment of men by women. And it is in fact, the repression of women by men that has led to the exaggerated condition we have seen develop in the last 50 years, in which men deny themselves to cling to an unequal relationship. Men like this were not created in the past 50 years. They have always been out there, because they are formed to be this way in their relationships with their parents, for many, many different reasons and in many, many different ways.
So true Ralph, and yes, we all have been formed by our domestication that has taken place during our formative years of growing up. Self-Awareness is the first step of transformation. Self-Awareness is simply to know yourself as you really are. This is the process of getting to know yourself inside and out is a continuous journey, like peeling back the layers of the onion and becoming more and more comfortable with what is in the middle of you, your true essence.
Self-awareness is the ability to truthfully perceive your own emotions in the moment so that you can understand your patterns in any situation. This will include staying on top of your old limited reactions to typical events that get a rise from you, challenges in life that keep coming up, as well as certain people in your life.
The only way to understand your emotions is to spend enough time getting to know them, to feel them, as much as you can, spending time thinking about them, grasping where they came from and why they are there. These emotions have purpose, you see they are reactions to your life experiences and it’s always important to comprehend why something is triggered in you and consequently what’s your reaction from it.
Such as the example of the my friend that was able to feel, through the stalking process, what came up with his statement of caring more for his partner than caring for him self, that part that maybe kept going against him self that took a different direction and chose him self over anyone else.
That’s becoming responsible for our emotional body, and reacting accordingly, and by sharing our individual journey through this blog, helps many other men become more connected to our true essence. Thank you men for making this happen.
i feel for many men though to become connected to their essence they must go on an adventure alone to find that part. that was my path and what an adventure we went on. all my new found inner guides/ gods took me closer and closer to my true essence. adventure is an important part of being a man and this is not spoken of much in our culture and i feel it must be individual alone adventure something that comes out of our deep soul that for the most part is hidden and culture and safety wants us to keep hidden. but for the man who has been called it is a wondrous solitary adventure that is scary but underneath is a peace and a knowingness that this will bring a man to his true home. if this touches man and he wants to converse about it , write me .. ralph
luis, i was touched by the message u posted about the man who gave up himself unconsciously to his wife… and i was touched also by some of your words like domestication.. giving up ones soul to make peace … i had a powerful dream ago about losing my key.. and not caring for it.. that someone else if one is not powerful enough of conscious enough, will pick it up.. our key. our power.. and that is a most horrible thing for a man.. seems as if this man had given his key to someone else.. perhaps to make peace.. in my experience i have found that women will pick up your key if one leaves it around .. after that dream i kept my key very close to me… it is my key ..not the wife, sister or mother as you wrote… it will be interesting to me if you tell me what happens to that man now that he has realized something so vital to his being. especially his being as a man.. when i realized others were in control of me.. so to speak that when i took back my key my power my source all fucking hell broke loose.. ! my twin sister turned on me with darkness, my mom also.. my adopted daughter .. and others .. but i had no choice really that once i saw clearly that i had left my power so carelessly unguarded that others would be happy to pick it up and when they did .. all true masculinity vanished.. i think domesticated was the word used by you… and in my opinion a man does not do well being dominated unwittingly by anyone, especially the feminine.. anyway let me know please what happens to this man.. if he picks up, his key and holds it tight to his chest.
Rafa, thank you for your comments about Stalking the Pre Emasculated Man, the metaphor of loosing your “key” in your dream is terrific, it shows us how so many men give their power over to someone else, and then become victimized by the act and by them. I am aware that women also do that, and because we are talking about men, we will stay on that track, or at least for now.
Yes Rafa, when we men are in relationship with women, and we leave our key unattended, they, as human nature dictates, will pick it up, and may even use it to benefit them selves and the family. In addition, when we men take back our key, our power, our self-love, over anyone else, we become empowered, and may cause an estrangement with others. You see it’s not the woman’s fault that men leave their power for them to pick and use for them selves, but our duty to retain our power, and or key. We do this by creating “healthy boundaries” that basically say, I love my self more than I love anyone else to include my partner. Of course we do this with as much kindness, compassion and love that we can have as we break away from our old limited patterns.
Now I understand that this last statement may go against many due to their cultural transmission and or religious training. At the same time, we need to face a truth, that if we have no self love, self compassion, power, or one’s key, we will not be able to care and or love anyone else from a non codependent relationship, and may let our selves fall into a “needy” codependent relationship.
We men need to accept and own our power before we can help anyone else with it. We cannot just pass our power, love to someone else in hopes of them giving us back some of what we have passed on to them initially. When we receive money, food, gifts, as well as love, we have to accept it for our selves first, before we can give it to anyone else. Like wise, when we retain our self-love, respect, and power, or in Rafa’s case his key, we enrich our selves and consequently give more of the same to others.
The concept of being “dominated unwittingly” by the woman, can also be seen as being dominated by your own emotional body, what I call the feminine energy that lives in the duality of each human. This may happen when men don’t connect, own, and express their feelings and emotions, they in fact become controlled, “highjacked,” and dominated by their own emotional body, the feminine in you, which in time will be like giving your key away.
Immaterial to what happened to the man that almost lost his key, his power and place in an equal relationship, what men need to ask them selves, is how closely connected are you men to your own feelings and emotions, and are you able to express the same to your beloved and others.
Once again Rafa, and men reading and contributing comments to this men’s blog, thank you for making this happen.
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