Men Regaining Balance
Don Luis is in the process of developing his new blog. He will be writing it from his ongoing personal journey of finding balance within himself between his emotional mind of ‘being’ and his mental mind of ‘doing’. He wishes to share this knowledge and understanding with other men who seek a greater understanding of themselves so they can then create a deeper connection to their own feelings and emotions for expression from a place of kindness, compassion and love.
While looking at the ‘blog in progress’ I thought how wonderful he was doing this, that men have very few places where they can meet with other men and share experiences openly and honestly and I remembered a conversation I had had with him a few months ago…
We were talking about my relationship with the man in my life, Paul, and he said, “Cliodhna, you can’t change him, and you as a partner can’t teach him either, but you can show him by setting an example, talk about your emotions with him and live in your own truth as much as you can.”
This is so true, and I am sure I challenge Paul by living in my truth as best I can, but, as long as we communicate with each other how we are feeling about ourselves, each other and our life together we grow from it individually and from that our relationship changes and grow also. What I have come to understand quite strongly though is the fact that by me being emotional and showing him my emotions, helps me to be vulnerable and open and release hidden fears and old wounds but won’t necessarily help him or show him how to do it.
I can provide a safe place for him in which to be open but I cannot teach him to access his emotions or challenge his ideas on what it is to be a man because in society, we as women are supposed to be the emotional ones. It is ‘acceptable’ for us to cry, for us to be irrational, weepy, express doubts and fears. If he wants to learn this, he needs to talk with other men who are on the same path, see other men be emotional, cry, express their fear and see other men face themselves and become stronger in heart for it.
We glorify the image of the strong silent man. Look at our movies and television characters. Hiding his heart and his softness behind a steely exterior he is motivated by a noble cause to go fight evil, he saves the world before tea time whilst suffering not a scratch and rescuing the damsel in distress. He might show a little vulnerability once in a while so we can identify with him as a person, but not too much!
Men doing this work for themselves and accessing their vulnerability challenges me also as a woman. I am just as domesticated in how men ‘should’ be as they are. It challenges that part in me that still wants a man to be strong and look after me, that part in me that also thinks emotions and crying are a sign of weakness and judges me for being emotional. The part in me that will take care of a man and look after his emotions in exchange for love and relationship security.
I am looking at these things bit by bit in my relationship with Paul and I find that as I take my power back and truly express myself then I can love him exactly as he is without needing to manipulate or control, change him or take care of him. It feels very freeing and it makes us both stronger as individuals and as a partnership.
We each have our own strength and weaknesses, as individual souls taking part in this journey here on this earth and also the strength and weaknesses inherent in being male or female and the domestication we have inherited from our predecessors. Until we are in balance as individuals within ourselves and within our relationship with our partner then our families won’t be in balance and our society won’t be in balance.
This is why this blog and Luis’s workshops and journeys to Teotihuacan for men are so important. They provide a safe place for men to do this work for themselves with each other. So my support to all you men out there doing this work for yourselves. We need to stop holding each others fears and start holding our own hearts. Then we can share from a place of love and grow together with our partners and family towards better selves, relationship, family and society.
Cliodhna
9 comments
Thank you Cliodhna, for your great message about men feeling, owning and expressing their emotional body as well as how we men learn better from other men. I’ve been working with my self and other men for over two decades on this God given right of each holding equally our duality of mind and heart. Most men agree how its so much easier to learn from an other man. It seems that most men resent the fact that the mother taught them how to be men from her perspective of what she would want in a man for her, her only reference point coming from a woman’s soul, as well as to the absence of their father due to his work that kept him gone for most of the day, and during the formative years of the young boy’s life. Huge teaching and opportunity for men to regain them selves to their full empowerment.
Cliodhna thank you for your expression particularly coming from a woman this is welcome and powerful.
It reminds me that my feminine is here to support me (the masculine) in my duality and in allowing myself to be ‘out of control’ I am regaining the connection to my beloved.
Through my vulnerability in all its defenselessness there is power that shakes the most hardened ‘hero’ in me. Through this process I am regaining my true self esteem and my power that I have in the past given over to anyone who would ’save’ me.
With Love and respect Jason.
Tio, I will be the first to comment. Debi says that I need to live in the moment and stop over analysing things. I’m trying to understand this. Can you comment?
Thanks,
Courtland
Great to hear from you Courtland. Thank you for your comment, and yes some times when we men don’t listen to our own emotional mind, which in the duality of human nature it’s that combination of the “masculine” and “feminine” energies in each, we may hear it clearly from the out side dream from a woman. Which in this case, is your wife Debi?
In the Toltec teaching and tradition it is said that when one lives with the awareness of the Angel of Death, who sits on your left shoulder waiting to take you to the other side, it reminds you that you need to live every moment the very best you can. If not you would have missed most of your life, moment to moment.
That, that you spend in analyizing the past, or the future, takes you to miss the opportunity to live any moment the best you can. You see that moment that you spent in the past memories, or future in expectations, you’ve missed and will never be able to regain. What you may want to ask your self is what in you is not wanting to live each moment?
Courtland, who is the ‘I’ that is trying to ‘understand’?
Who is the ‘I’ that resists the moment. It isn’t always a barrel of laughs and that ‘I’ might not like connecting with the only thing that is real, the present moment.
Hello
The Angel of Death. This is an interesting awareness. Since Luis shown the AOD to me, the left side of my body has had many interesting feelings through the years. The most interesting, long lasting, almost unbearable feeling at times, began 9 years ago when my soon to be wife left, I was lay-off from work and then relatives started dying off every 2 to 6 months for 2 years straight. There were other challenges beside all of this that I won’t bore you with. The point is that my whole left side, from head to toe, was constantly vibrating and aching with in an emotional void. The left side of my body felt weak and very constricted. This feeling kept me up until 3 or 4 months ago.
I was waking up out of a nights sleep, the sun had not yet dawned, the room was dark. I started coming to ordinary conscientiousness, my eyes were still closed but yet I was seeing a light. I thought that I had left a light on the night before. I briefly opened my eyes but the room was dark. I shut my eyes again and the light was still there. I gazed at it a bit then I saw some kind of symbolic writing that the light started shining through. I noticed that the aching on my left side had stopped and a feeling of solid strength and a peaceful vibration now resided there. It’s been there ever since; everyday day and night, month after month. My mind is at peace with this gift and the left side of my body feels full of life. It’s a really great feeling. It’s seems I have more patience, strength, awareness, and acceptance of myself and others.
I hope this feeling never goes away in me and the silent knowledge shows me how to keep it.
Thanks for letting me share this Angel of Death experience
James
Hello James S., Good to hear from you, and yes the Angel of Death has a mysterious way of showing the way in trusting the Creator in all she/he may bring to you… and yes, it does take longer for some, the important thing here, is that it seems that your are coming to terms with your own duality, the “mind” and “emotional” part of you, those parts that in the men’s circle, we call the “masculine” and the “feminine,” the “doing” and the “being.” Good for your James and thanks for sharing with the group… luis
Hello,
i thought i would share what i believe could be a pattern for many men. Its definitely connected to my doing side its called Seriousness!
Not the this needs a genuine committed approach type seriousness but the furrowed brow type serious, the this need to be ‘right’, it must be done type seriousness.
Recently I have become aware of my tendency to become too serious, a controlling activity of my thinking mind. It uses it when it feels its grip of control is slipping.(control it doesn’t have anyway) The fear of loosing control manifests in this serious behavior accompanied with anxiety, irritation and then anger when left unchecked.
All i need do is become aware i’m taking things too serious, that i am not allowing my best and letting Life is taking care of the rest.
It brings a smile to my face its so liberating !
Thank you Jason for your comment relevant to the limited pattern for many men about “needing to be right” and in “control.” I’ve noticed that when men think they need to be right and in control, as you mention, it mostly comes from one, that in fact is out of control, which may also be manifested in their needing to be right. This manner can be seen as being to serious about things that may create stress for the individual and those around them.
I suggest that we remember the Stalking process and as you mention, being aware of those limited traits that can, in time become addictive, by becoming aware of the feeling that it creates in you, is the first step. Then once we connect with that feeling, that wants to initiate the limited pattern into action, due to the lack of one’s attention, one can follow the next step of consciously refraining from that limited pattern. Now, all one has to remember is “who” he really is. Not the “fear” that is brought about the wound(s) that have not been healed, that may be showing them self by the initiation of anxiety, irritation and eventually anger.
We have to remember that once you refrain, it may stop the limited pattern, which means that we still have to continue with our awareness of that wound, that’s causing all of this in us. The challenge for men is to heal that wound that is what is erupting in us, and causing all the limitation.
Yes, Jason, some time all we need to do is check the awareness about taking our selves to seriously, and refraining from the limited action, but also we may want to continue with the process of “full disclosure” with-in our selves.
Some times, we may need a teacher, therapist, and mentor to help us see that in us. Let’s face it, we are the worst to see that limited in us, and consequently may need someone other than our own judge telling us that we need to be right and in control to feel safe. From my experience, men need to delve deep with-in, to find those unattended wounds that are just ready to erupt at a moments notice. That’s why, I have found it important for men to meet with other men, in finding way’s to go deep in each to find and heal the wound before it irrupts in us, hurting our selves as well as our families around us.
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