Men’s Emotions
On October 6, 2008, I tragically lost my wife. We would have celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary in three months. We were to many of our friends and family the perfect couple. We had a wonderful marriage, raised two great kids and were experiencing the joy of being grandparents. We both retired young and had spent the past ten years traveling the world, exploring and enjoying life. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. After two lumpectomy operations, five weeks of radiation and being put on medication, she was declared cancer free. The ordeal of battling the cancer, concerns for her health and the side effects of the medication began a spiral of depression that we were not prepared for. I took her to twelve doctors over the next 6 months. She had MRI’s, X-rays, brain scans and blood and urine tests with each specialist. Over the next two years nothing helped to reduce her anxieties and phobias. She became severely depressed and suicidal. She ultimately took her life, ending her pain and suffering. I was left to try and deal with the pain due to the loss of my wife, lover, mother of my children and the most important person in my life. I felt many emotions especially guilt, sorrow, pain, agony, loneliness, and more. I had to be strong for my children and her family. I had to be strong for myself. I cried and I experienced feelings I have never felt or was willing to show before this tragic event. I am still dealing with these feelings and emotions. I will for the rest of my life. But I have gotten through these hard times with the help of family and friends and here is one example.
I helped to organize a reunion of some of my buddies from the helicopter company we all flew with in Vietnam. This is a group that I can only describe as “Brothers”. We have known each other since flight school, shared the experience of war and have kept in contact over the years. We lost mutual friends in combat, protected and covered each other, and in some cases put our lives on the line to save and protect each other. We truly were each other’s “wingman” in war and throughout life. These were the men I could turn to whenever I needed help of any kind. We spent two days in Biloxi, Mississippi at the reunion laughing, joking, harassing each other and enjoying being together. It doesn’t matter how long the separation, we take right up where we left off the last time we were together.
After Biloxi four of us went to New Orleans to continue our reunion and for our return flights home. We decided to meet in the lobby of the Sheraton Hotel where we were staying for drinks and to start our fun night in New Orleans. At this point I need to tell you a little about the men in the group. I am using our helicopter company unit call signs instead of their real names. J.R. is a big, strong retired sergeant in the county sheriff’s department. Hack is a construction project manager. He has always been a big tough man’s man. Dude after years as a successful businessman is now a leader of men’s encounter groups and one of my closest friends. Me, I’m Spider Man, a retired business executive. Together we have multiple awards of the Silver Star, Distinguished Flying Cross, Purple Heart, Air Medal for Valor, Bronze Star, and more than a hundred Air Medals awarded for the combined 3000 hours of combat flight time. I’m not sharing this to brag, only to let you understand the background of this group of men. They are men of honor, duty, and integrity.
We met in the lobby for drinks and to continue the reunion. I shared the ordeal of my wife’s death with my friends. Each of them shared with me their feelings, emotions and thoughts about my wife and me. Each of these men shared with me their love and offer of support as I made this journey of recovery. I began to cry as I truly felt the love I was receiving from my brothers. Soon we were all crying as we shared how much each of us meant to each other. This was all being done in the lobby main bar at the Sheraton Hotel during Happy Hour. Everyone in the bar couldn’t help but notice the four grown men crying, hugging and laughing. I’m not sure what people were thinking as they observed us, but I didn’t care. It was the most moving emotional, spiritual healing experience of my life.
Before this experience, I didn’t think I could feel closer to these long time friends than I already did, but I was wrong. The openness that we were willing to share our feelings, emotions and thoughts took us to a new level of brotherhood. I, and I hope each of them, came away knowing that my bond with them is stronger than ever. I can only say, “Thank You and I love you Brothers!”
Spider Man
5 comments
Thank you so much Spider Man, for your heartfelt message and contribution to the men’s blog, its truly appreciated this can surely set an example for many men in how one can connect, own, and express one’s feelings and emotions. In doing this men’s work of developing and learning a new language that includes our feelings and emotional, we attempt to connect with as much to what’s behind each feeling and emotion, possibly all the way to that wound that when not healed can create limited projections to others, self and or both.
That’s the one of the gifts received in the men’s councils; seeing, doing, guiding self and others to this unknown place of the heart, feelings and the emotional mind that carries all of the past un resolved limited memories of issues, lessons, experiences that may need to be resolved in you. As we men join the men’s council and are able to listen, participate, and contribute, we all learn and open to new things in our lives that can take each man to live more happiness and joy. Thank you Brother, we hope to hear from you again… luis (aka dude)
Thank you “Spider man” for your encouraging story of male comradeship. While reading your post, I realized I have isolated from my buddys that I grew up with, most of which live within a fue miles. The trouble is, I’m afraid to speak openly and honestly and I’m afraid to ask them for there support with emotionl issues for fear that they wouldent want to get wrangled in anything emotional, which in turn might create further separation.
I realize that most of my post is a drama, based on an asumption of how others might react, and yet my greater part subscribes to it.
I would also like to add that Spider Man expression about his pain among men friends as well as with this blog helps him move on with his life. He illustrates that by connecting, owning, and expressing one’s pain to him self, others, especially men, can help and assist the man into a healthy relationship with him self and the outer dream. I may also add, that this “act of power” shown by my fellow pilot and good friend, can set an example for us men, in understanding and following men’s healing.
Hello Men and Women that love Men
A good friend that I shared a big part of my life with just wrote a wonderful article for the men’s blog. His “call sign” in the helicopter company that we flew in Viet Nam some time ago, was, and still is “Spider Man.”
He’s one of my dear friends, we go way back, we started our friendship in flight school for the military, bringing our selves and unit to combat readiness, experienced combat in Viet Nam, flew as wing men covering for each other, we saw each other in good times and bad times, and have been in contact for decades.
He speaks about him emotions that have taken place in the last year or so. For you men reading this, a wonderful lesson for all of us, as Spider Man sets and gives us a real and excellent example of a “man of power” speaking from his heart.
For you women reading this, know that there are men that are connected to their duality and can express it, and Spider is exemplar of just that. His prime example gives us men a great, real, and living role model.
Thank you Spider Man for your contribution and especially for having full disclosure with all of us through this EmpoweringMen.com blog. We all want good role models for us, don’t we? Well, I do, and you are for me.
I invite you to read his article at,
Men’s Emotions
I send you much love and respect; have a Happy and safe USA Independence Day…
luis
Thank you for your comment Jas, and yes, I see how men isolate them selves from being intimate with others, and yet please understand that by sharing through expressing one’s feelings and emotions, is done more to liberate that in you, than getting support from others. To have someone’s support you, I would suggest that you either work with the men’s council and or set up some time with me and or a therapist that specializes on men’s issues, to voice that in you. I also hear that your greater part that subscribes to the fear of not expressing to others that lives in you is only a limited pattern that can be changed. We men have choice, that some times with the safety of other men, in men’s group and or therapist, one can over come this in disclosing one’s feelings and emotions in creating a deeper emotional intelligence for your self.
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