Man Asking for Help
I’ve been reading your blog, and I find it very valuable. I’ve been reluctant in coming forth with my partnership issue, but now I think its time for me to do something about my present situation. Frankly, I need help, and after your last subject on the blog, about, Why is it so Hard for Men to Ask for Help, I knew I needed to write this.
I’ve been married for over a decade, and during our initial relationship, and after our marriage, with the persistence of my partner, I started giving way to her decisions, and direction. It was just too much of an effort to say no, and or attempt to convince her other wise, then and now. It feels easier to let her have her way.
I’m realizing, as I look back, that my lack of expression of what I wanted, or thought would be right for us, my partner took the lead and made choices for me, and the family. It felt easier then, not to make waves but just let it go, but now after all this time, it’s becoming unbearable. She bosses me around insensibly, driving me crazy at times, as well as setting a bad example for our two boys. When I try to stand up for my self, I feel that her demands get worse, and once again, I give in to her. It’s unbearable at times, and I’m feeling resentful, and at times I see my self-getting deeply angry.
I know, I sound pitiful, and at the same time, I don’t’ know how to stop it, except walk away from the marriage, abandoning my two boys, and I don’t really want to do that. Do I suck it up and stay in, walk away from the marriage and my two boys’, or some how get her to stop behaving this way toward me? Any suggestions?
13 comments
Thank you for demonstrating courage and speaking from your heart. We all have the desire to have our needs met and be heard. When we enter into partnership, it is natural not to have the insights, tools and wherewithal to deal with all types of conflict. And certainly it is natural to have power struggles in relationship.
Speaking from my experience, I realized much of the angst in my relationships stemmed from unresolved issues in me – loving and accepting myself. Once I truly took steps towards uncovering who I am, it provided the will to stand in a place of truth no matter what my partner did or didn’t do. I also learned to separate behavior from the person… and love myself and others despite the struggle to understand why things happen.
I saw how easy I gave up my power to “keep the peace” and/or manipulated her / others to get what I thought I wanted. I learned about healthy boundaries and how to communicate when something didn’t feel good … and how to ask for help.
You are on a grand path my friend – speaking your truth from a place of power is from the depths of loving kindness – even if our partners don’t agree.
Use your conflict in your relationship to delve deeper into yourself… be gentle and find someone whom can assist you on this glorious journey.
-Darrel (a fellow traveller)
Thank you for listening to your self. I guess this is not the first time that your essence calls for you attention. How many of us have feel inside of us the necessity to stop a harmful situation? A situation that drove us to give the course of our lives to another person (mother, father, girlfriends… wives), or even to the “destiny” in a way to not be responsible for our acts and consequently, to punish us, judges us and thus fall deeper and deeper to that black hole that is governed by the resentful and lack of any loving expectation towards ourselves. I DID.
So I can only feel happy for you that finally have listened to you. Now you know that something is not as you may feel it should be, and the best is that it is nothing to do with you wife, but with you. Use the platform that you have used to express you feelings to us, to tell your family how you feel, just for the seek of telling them, just do it for you. And do it with the convincement that you are free of resentful, hatred, control, or any expectation that your words will be understood. As Don Luis use to tell me: “remember that it is only yours”.
You have given birth, fed and educated to that man that was telling us, from the heart, how he was. Now you have given birth to another attention in you. Educate it, and feed it so it forms the bases of your loving acts for yourself. Use any guide that you may need to express out of you, so that it becomes a habit to express your truth from your heart.
Thank you for the hope.
José.
man , what a dilemma ! first i feel you deep as i have been there and have known many men who are in the same situation. first of all please do not beat yourself up by thinking you sound pitiful.. you are far far from that. i can only share my story but here is my take.. in my story did set limits..but to no avail. in our culture here we have limited power to handle this. i know this will sound so macho but in many cultures a man would resort to physicality to restore balance. but here this is unacceptable and illegal so there… many men take to their wheel chairs and become a pitiful excuse for a man. i tried the loving approach.. to no avail..i set limits and boundaries .. but for me it came down to leaving.. my soul decided not to live more with an angry woman who would become possessed with anger and stupid talk..as tolle would say.. a she had a large pain body.. and believe you me a man can not hang in there conversing with a possessed angry woman.. best you can do is say ..shut up and get away to rantings.. but they do not have to… then what ? . i hung in there way way too long because of my daughter .. we men are really caught in between a rock and a hard place.. the financial ruin is real.. the child support the alimony the cutting in half of the assets… in a more fair culture there would be a wise consul of elders who would decide what is fair and just.. here the lawyers have made divorce a huge business .. and they for the most part will take all they can .. what is fair is not in their soul.. they fight for their client to get all they can… so i guess what i am saying is divorce is most horrible for all concerned… you really have limited options .. oh yes u can set limits boundaries but what if she does not respect them? she most certainly does not have to… it is all heart breaking ….. i divorced .. i grew much from the experience and vowed to not enter a relationship unless i was respected … for my wife my story is that i serve her protect her honor her… but i need gentleness warmth and i need her to see me.. in what i do and in my work… i found this i am delighted to say .. but it is so wonderful to live with a woman who is respectful…….i would give it your best shot … listen to all the men and women ….. more important find the still voice inside you and cultivate that voice and obey it…. no matter where it leads…… i pray this helps in some way.. i gotta lot more to say later… rafa
please know brother you are far far from being alone.. one reason men are really thinking about remaining solo and keeping their power..
Hello all. I do not know any of you personally, but was a participant in don Luis’s 1st men’s gathering, about 1000 years ago.
The situation described by the man with the demanding and inflexible wife sounds awful and I don’t think it will be resolved without significant work by both members.
This can be an opportunity for self awareness, BUT I think the 1st. order of business is marriage counseling, by an experienced therapist. If husband and wife will not attend together, then I would go myself(the husband). If both do attend counseling, then the next consideration is individual counseling for each member of the couple. AND-this should be with separate therapists-Not the same therapist who is doing the couples counseling.
Please note-the above is my feeling about a complex and chronic situation. I do not want to step on toes or feelings, but I feel trying to save a marriage and family is something to strive for again and again.
What I am trying to say is this–First work on saving the family. Then, it can be time to look inward and see what that brings up.
Hey–Good Luck. I wish you perserverance in abundance.
Raphiel b.
How much do you allow the judge in you beat you up? Poor victim? Its so easy to project the problem out there, so easy and yet so painful. Can you see the pattern in you? Until you see it with awareness and drop the sad story you will just continue to attract someone else out there to reflect back to you what you carry. Is that what you want? Another women to be your new judge? You have a great opportunity right now to heal that in you and in doing so your whole world will change including how the characters in it behave toward you.
How do you feel when the judge in you bosses you around? If you are reacting from fear then you are giving reality to the delusional system of judge,victim and book of law, the attacker, the attacked and the justification. The only way out is to own it see it from what it is and begin to withdraw the reality you empower it with. Much Love and respect to you.
i wonder jason if you have been married to a woman who attacks your deepest heart center.. and you try to defend yourself and you end up saying things what i said it not what you thought and all sort of crazy shit comes up .. and you are saying .. well just do not give it power… that the man is the poor victim .. and you are saying this is your sad story… tell that to the victims of the holocaust .. jason i must say your response has brought fire and anger .. your response is so feminine ..i really do not know the so called truths of this marriage ..but i do know there are men who do not want to live among wolves.. i think you are saying that the man only has to withdraw the reality .. shit man this is his reality! and he is hurt and afraid and dumbfounded.. he wants to save his family for his children and he is being emasculated it seems.. i have seen a few men in my life that did exactly what you are recommending .. withdraw their reality …. fucking worthless men they become.. just ignoring or accepting the shit they see.. yes we have a heart a noble heart but we are warriors , we are hard wired for that.. all this sensitivity shit can go to far… you say your whole world will change and the characters will behave different.. well fucking maybe .. but more importantly we must keep our male soul intact and if our world does not change then we gotta have the balls to dream and make another life … all women are not the same nor are men…and changing our inner reality will absolutelyfucking not change everyone around us.. it might but it very well not.. i am getting on a rant here cause our american culture for the most part makes fools of us men… and then some ” soft male” come around and says oh just change little you and your world will become so wonderful.. yes there are profound truths in your words.. ” but there are men too gentle to live among wolves” and i got a lot more to say.. rafa
We are only capable of bearing that pain, that disruptive situation, that prison that, in intensity, itself equals to the hardness with which we punish, judge and deny ourselves.
When we are able to forgive us for all the past time that we have neglected ourselves, and put an action to change it, we will be able to start to rebuild our bases and little by little be aware of many unwanted situations we created which, in essence, were limiting us.
With time and patience we will be able to recognise to that victim-in-us that tireless tries to keep us in the limited zone (our griefs, judgments, pain and resentment), but recognise to that victim is the beginning. From the awareness and the second attention, we now are RESPONSIBLE for what everything we do and any election we choose. Thus, is not so dramatic to be able to see all the different limiting actors of our all play, but no to be RESPONSIBLE from the position that the second attention brings us.
I would like to say to Jason that the capacity of being flexibly-responsible and to forgive ourselves when not, will make all the differences in the way to our hearts.
Much love.
when i realized, late i might add, that i was losing myself my soul my masculinity my blood right living within a marriage where i was receiving horrible blows to my soul from my wife.. i started to really examine me… i had tried the new age approach.. being calm centered speaking up for myself .. all to no avail… i must in retrospect be thankful for all that came to me.. i realized that i must immerse myself in these wounds and hopefully find an exit to a new life.. i life where a MAN could thrive shine and more. first i realized that i indeed had given up my power… i had a dream that showed me clearly that at one time i had a key around my neck that symbolized my personal power.. and that i had become sloppy and had left my key on a table and my wife seeing it grabbed it … i realized that i had to have my key back and i was going to get and nothing in this world could stop me from regaining it .. and i did… and from the moment it returned to me i swore that i would never ever be careless again and that my key would remain only with me… did that resolve my issues with my often angry wife .. NO … in a way it made it worse.. i had tried the new age approach.. paz paz interior paz.. inner peace.. but guess what guys most of us are not gandi or nelson mandela .. nelson divorced! anyway … i started standing up for myself… so the house would shake and nothing was ever resolved with the angry one… i soon thank god forever thru consciously suffering and much inner work i realized that i needed an adventure.. i realized that all of my life i had been a good boy .. well not all the time .. no sainthood for me.. but i studied hard , military service viet nam took great care of my family provided all my wife never worked … well back to my inner story .. soon i discovered that i liked and needed an adventure… i knew instantly that if i submitted to my inner beings/ gods , which had been delivered to me in dreams and inner work and active imagination .. that my marriage and family would be destroyed. so off on the adventure i went.. for me being a fisherman all my life , i started traveling ALONE to guatemala .. there the air breathed different the earth felt strangely beautifully soft to my soul…. when i would return shit would hit the fan .. but the way i figured it , shit hit the fan when i was a good boy so i might as well live my adventure. part one .. to be continued rafa
part 2 the adventure that i had undertaken brought me the most wondrous time in my life.. i was living from my inner core.. nothing no one could stop me from continuing… only my inner beings which were revealing to me that inside me was a braided self .. there were parts of me , beings/gods that needed life.. that i was to take them on an adventure and give them life and breath and that if i did , they in turn would protect me and give me a life few men could even imagine. and they did.. but the point i am trying to drive home is this: this trouble man can use this dark time to find himself.. and emerge shining in his masculinity and live a life far far from what he is living now.. yes we he must pay … in many ways… the price is horribly high… for me i lost many friends family and was condemned in many ways cause this society does not want one to fly high… at least not too high.. but this fine man can emerge from this a far far better man… he must start going to his depths where all can be answered and he must cultivate that inner voice and obey it. not for the timid man.. not for many .. but as i read it , it is your only way hombre.. i do not think your strong wife is going to change .. would be far far easier for you.. but secretly i hope you find the hero inside you .. and dream and life a life that brings you warmth and gentleness where you can shine brilliantly as man…..
rafa
this is my story ….. only my story .. i hope it helps .. ours is a lonely journey and we men can help one another… luis is giving his soul for this to come about.. thank you hermano de mi corazon
Way hey Rafa I knew the post would stir up some stuff, it definitely pushed it in me when I wrote it I was even hesitant on posting it.
Here’s the thing I have been in this situation I have lived with an angry and controlling woman and for most of it I pointed the finger and blamed her. I took the role of an angry victim. But then I decided to own it I saw myself no longer as a victim and I would no longer get energy to the judge in me that I was projecting onto the beloved I had attracted into my life. I started stalking the limited pattern in me because I was determined to see an end to this in my life. And I connected with the wound and forgave and saw beyond it, it had nothing to do with her. I learned to talk to my beloved and the angry women I lived with went away. She is now my loving wife we have mutual respect and communicate. We ask each other regularly how are you? what’s going on? we defuse situations before they become anything, that’s my reality now. Here’s the thing if the relationship had not changed but the change had occurred only in me; then I can only own my half of the relationship and I would have removed myself from it knowing it was no longer for me, I decided I loved myself too much to but up with the abuse.
You say this seems written from the feminine, your right it is thank you for pointing that out.
Love and respect to you.
damn jd.. what a beautiful way your marriage turned.. i applaud the both of you.. .. like you said one can only own one’s own half. in my case i loved myself too much to put up with the abuse… and since after trying umpteen times it ended .. but i must thanks the gods for the pain i went thru because i immersed myself in the wound and exited from my old life through it. and became new again. thanks for sharing jd.. we men have many stories and for me luis giving us the opportunity to share with one another literally and physically lightens us.. thanks hombres… thanks for sharing jd… rafa
Thank you men for you’re contribution, from the initial “Man Asking for Help,” to all the subsequent comments. I believe we are all learning so much, and very fundamental to men’s lives, such as knowing when to listen to one’s truth of heart and mind, creating self-acceptance for a possible unlimited projection of life, to setting healthy boundaries that come from loving one’s self. We are also learning how to express from the level of emotions and feelings, without anger or rage, as one takes ownership of the victim in each one.
As we do this inner searching, learn how to differentiate between “stupid talk,” and talking from the place of “mind and heart,” pleasing others over Self, knowing the horrors of divorce, to knowing when to save your self over control issues of your partner. As each man learns how to connect, own, and express their emotional body, with kindness, compassion, and self love, which at times it may just mean, that we need to take care of our selves, especially over anyone else.
Thank you all, I’ve learned this go around, that things just come into being with out me having to intervene, it seems that when we men show up, and we are open, and willing to look inside for our healing, things do happen.
Please tell you friends, men and women, about this blog, having different points of view can only enrich our process, feel free to send me a topic that you may want to have feed back from other men, and women that participate on this men’s blog.
Thank you so much for being a part of this, and please take good care of your self.
A statement made by one of the contributors, that I would like to ad to its importance, from all that’s been said, is the following: “I feel that trying to save a marriage and family is something to strive for again and again.”
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