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Posts from — January 2014

Boundaries Make Freedom Possible

Boundaries Make Freedom Possible

Boundaries are an essential part of life. They delineate and maintain needed borders and separations, making differentiation possible at every level. Boundaries both contain and preserve the integrity of what they are safeguarding, be that physical, psychological, emotional, social, or spiritual. Without them there is no relationship and therefore no development, no evolution. But despite this clear truth, we often fall into the trap of believing that boundaries hold us back, preventing us from being free or realizing nondual consciousness — whatever untroubled, idealized state we may aspire to. If we thus equate having boundaries with being limited and if being limitless is a cherished goal for us, we will tend to view boundaries as a problem, an obstruction to freedom, something to overcome.
Real freedom, however, is not about having no limitations; rather it is about finding liberation within—and also through—limitation (as when the apparent constraints of committed monogamous relationship actually enrich and deepen the relationship). Real freedom does not mind limitations and in fact is not limited by them.
Boundaries make freedom possible by clarifying what must be worked with, not just personally and transpersonally, but also interpersonally. Since everything — everything! — exists through relationship, it is crucial that we learn to work well within relationship, both with others and with our own needs, states, and identity. This work is not possible if our boundaries are not clearly delineated and skillfully maintained.
Whether our boundaries are collapsed, blurred, abandoned, trampled, disregarded, nurtured, overpoliced, cemented, or honored, they determine our edges, limits, borders. Boundaries may be overdefined, underdefined, or ambiguously defined. What really matters is what we do with our boundaries: Do we use them to fortify our ego or to illuminate it? Do we lose ourselves in them or hold them in healthy perspective? Do we use them to keep ourselves from love or to deepen our capacity to love? Do we concretize them or do we keep them flexible? Do we allow them to be overly permeable or do we allow them to be as solid as circumstances require? Do we use our boundaries to isolate ourselves or to create and deepen connection?
Without healthy boundaries, we cannot have healthy relationships.
Without healthy boundaries, we stunt our growth.
So what are healthy boundaries? They are steadfast guardians, serving both to contain and preserve the integrity of what they are safeguarding. Boundaries don’t just hold space; they make and honor space by keeping it appropriately compartmentalized. They keep particular aspects of us enclosed until they are sufficiently developed. A premature rupturing of self-encapsulation (as when we are forced into adult responsibilities when we are young children) interferes with our development, leaving us with leaky or otherwise dysfunctional boundaries.
A healthy boundary is a psychophysical presence — a kind of energetic membrane — possessing the necessary firmness to protect us from invasion, intrusion, violation, and other dehumanizing or life-negating forces, as well as the resiliency to soften and open to what is beneficial for us.

Healthy boundaries serve our highest good. They are akin to the loving parental hand that holds our hand as we take our first child-steps along a seaside wall or a playground ramp, gripping us neither too tightly nor too loosely. That touch, so reassuringly solid and steady, gives us the courage to venture farther afoot.

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January 25, 2014   No Comments

Things that are not meant to be said to your Beloved…

One of my clients, let’s say his name is George who has been together with his wife “Susan” for almost 20 years now and both have created a loving, vibrant, and heartfelt relationship.  On my quest to expand my repertoire of relationship skills, I asked George what is the one thing he does with Susan that keeps their marriage so healthy and alive.  To my surprise, George answered, “For me, the most important skill is to practice not saying limited things to Susan every day.”  I was baffled.  What was he talking about?  Was he withholding important information?  Perhaps he was living in denial or even lying?

“No,” he clarified, “I practice not saying certain things every day that might hurt or upset her.”  Later realizing that he was talking about the sort of things that we might say to our partner in a heated moment unconsciously, or something that spills forth from our lips without thinking.  Perhaps some criticism, or an unkind word, something rude, disrespectful, or potentially hurtful.  This made complete sense to me.

As much as I’d like to think of myself as a great communicator, I still find it challenging to practice Not Saying Things to my beloved every day that may insult her and or hurt her in some way or another.  It is a powerful reminder to take a breath first before speaking, to speak from the heart, to express myself with consideration and love as much as possible.  In a nutshell, this practice is really about being more aware in our relating with others.

 

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January 21, 2014   No Comments