Posts from — August 2009

Stalking the Pre Emasculated Man

I was having diner with friends last week, a couple that’s been happily married for years, and after hearing their words of joy of being in relation for so many years, I asked him what was his secret. As his wife listened quietly, “Oh its simple” he said, “you just love your wife more than you love your self.”

As I heard him say that, it brought up all that I’ve learned from doing this Toltec work, that say’s, one needs to care and love one’s self over others and or things. I know that by doing this work, one can sustain the care and love for others but only after first loving and supporting them selves first.

I know this place well, since I had done that for so many years in attempting to please women, as my mother, sister, and as some of my first relationship with women thought me in my early years of life and before this teaching.

I question my friend kindly to hear more about his statement. He did say more, at first to reinforce his initial statement, and the more he talked about it the more he realized what he had really said and meant… giving his love over to someone else.

Later as he kept talking, you could see him understanding the context of what he had said. You could see it in his face, it was an “aha,” moment for him, his eyes got bigger, he started to smile, and soon started to retract his statement about loving her over him self. He “stalked” himself beautifully he understood his words and what they really meant, especially about him. He then started retracting his statement by voicing the mistake of what he had said.

It seemed to finally all came to place in him, you could see it, and it was evident by the look in his face, as he got it. It was an “act of power” on his part, and I commend him for it as he said, “well, really, I love my self more,” or something to that effect.

A thank you friend for this excellent example of the stalking process of one’s self in the moment. Here the possible victim becomes the “Shape Shifter” of today. He did this by refraining, and transforming his words from an untruth of living in a relationship that creates you being less than, to one of loving him self over anyone or anything else, so that in turn he can support him self, his partner, family, and community.

Now, I am aware that many relationship work that way of giving your love over to your partner for their keeping… well, maybe for a while that is, until the giving partner gets to a place that they have lost a sense of “who” and “what” they are over to their partner in relationship.

I have had the opportunity to see and work with man that have given their power away to their partners, by giving over to the women, simple to major choice’s for them selves, their relationship, and issues about family or work. Let me say that this is not necessarily the woman’s problem and or issue, well, in reality it’s both their responsibility, but more, and especially in this context, the need for the man to take his place in relationship with the woman partner. Right along side the partner, not behind or in front, but right next to each other.

I am also aware that this process of giving away of one’s power, may also happened to the woman in relationship with a man. She loosing her place over the man’s will. It seems to me that either one can come to a deserving place in relationship by creating healthy boundaries; by wanting to care and love one’s self over anyone or anything else. To many, a challenge by the way we have been taught to help, support and love others over our selves.

Now back to the man’s process, I’ve often seen men not wanting to make choices and or take responsibility for him self in relationship, maybe because of past wounds and issues from his cultural domestication, that he has not healed yet. The woman as we often see in human nature, irrelevant of gender, will take command and may even tell him what he needs to do for her and family. Now depending on the unresolved issues the man has with his mother and women in general, he may rebel, succumbs, or align with each other in creating a “mutual” and satisfactory choice. If he rebels, he becomes the child rebelling against mother through his partner. If he succumbs, becoming the victim, he will end up being controlled and or manipulated in doing what she can to make the family safe, sufficient, and functional, creating a bigger victim in him.

The man then losses his place as equal partner, father, and a positive role model for his children and community. He becomes emasculated, as he looses his place as equals in relationship with his partner.

Do you know anyone that lives that way? Would you say that this is the case with your relationship? Do you have children that are emulating those limited traits in you and or your partner as in the case of men and or women loosing their place in relationship? In turn, this may be creating resentment, anger, in you and or partner, and have become a victim about the relationship, that after imploding for so long, you are an “explosion” ready to happen?

Does this sound familiar?

Happy stalking…                  luis