Posts from — August 2009
Recently while looking into work opportunities, I found there was underlying nervousness coming up in me over and over. I would go into doing mode to avoid ‘feeling it’ and in doing so I was ‘Feeding’ the underlying pattern, it was growing. The doing was in a scattered way defusing my energy and ended up leaving me feeling exhausted and getting no where.
Well my efforts attracted a set of circumstances that reflected my underlying pattern. I found myself interviewing for an employed position were they were dictating starting salary benefits expected activity levels etc with little regard for my past experience or qualification.
In parallel to this, I was looking into working for myself, a bit closer to my heart’s need for freedom. Anytime I brought my attention to it, I became acutely aware of feelings of nervousness and under that fear, a fear of scarcity, ultimately a fear of death.
I had carried out second round interviews for the employed job. There was a seductive feeling about taking the job, I knew I could do it with my eyes closed, it would allow me the opportunity to straighten things out in my personal finances and it would be nice and safe providing a salary with bonuses and my feelings of nervousness and fear were easing. The best choice my reasoning mind assured me.
But in my heart I knew the job wasn’t for me I could see the pattern as played out many times I’d get in there right on top of it and once settled in a feeling of emptiness would arise and I’d find myself depressed and desperate for a move in 6-12mths time.
So, I chose to sit with the idea of the self-employed opportunity, and there it was fear and nervousness, so I sat with it and felt it, my mind wanted to run the grip of fear intensifying. A wave of sadness came up and I was feeling sick to the stomach a part of me felt like I might be dying. This pattern has for sure ruled my past decisions about work, relations with others, in taking a risk venturing into the unknown in perhaps all areas of my life.
This went on for a few days I’d put time aside and sit with it or walk with it. Then it was as if a hole was poked in the veil of illusion in the fear of death and Life began shining through. I felt myself lighten, a wave of joy came up tears welled, and I began to find it even funny and began to laugh aloud. At that point, it was like something did die in me that which was imitating Life was released back to the Source. A bit like a rock pool at the seashore, believing it’s the ocean been re-merged with the sea by a wave on the rising tide. The block shifted.
What I’ve found is that it was only an emotional pattern held together by the mental constructs of the mind, a Lie disrespecting the natural flow of Life. You’ve probably had similar experiences if not then know that even when in the thick of it, it can feel like your going to die, you will be ok, you will survive and will be that little bit freer on the other side of it. I feel that if I was not practicing the Art of Stalking I might not have even seen the pattern and I would now be embarking on (for me) another freedom robbing job.
With Love and respect on your journey to freedom, Jason.
August 29, 2009 No Comments
Stalking the Pre Emasculated Man
I was having diner with friends last week, a couple that’s been happily married for years, and after hearing their words of joy of being in relation for so many years, I asked him what was his secret. As his wife listened quietly, “Oh its simple” he said, “you just love your wife more than you love your self.”
As I heard him say that, it brought up all that I’ve learned from doing this Toltec work, that say’s, one needs to care and love one’s self over others and or things. I know that by doing this work, one can sustain the care and love for others but only after first loving and supporting them selves first.
I know this place well, since I had done that for so many years in attempting to please women, as my mother, sister, and as some of my first relationship with women thought me in my early years of life and before this teaching.
I question my friend kindly to hear more about his statement. He did say more, at first to reinforce his initial statement, and the more he talked about it the more he realized what he had really said and meant… giving his love over to someone else.
Later as he kept talking, you could see him understanding the context of what he had said. You could see it in his face, it was an “aha,” moment for him, his eyes got bigger, he started to smile, and soon started to retract his statement about loving her over him self. He “stalked” himself beautifully he understood his words and what they really meant, especially about him. He then started retracting his statement by voicing the mistake of what he had said.
It seemed to finally all came to place in him, you could see it, and it was evident by the look in his face, as he got it. It was an “act of power” on his part, and I commend him for it as he said, “well, really, I love my self more,” or something to that effect.
A thank you friend for this excellent example of the stalking process of one’s self in the moment. Here the possible victim becomes the “Shape Shifter” of today. He did this by refraining, and transforming his words from an untruth of living in a relationship that creates you being less than, to one of loving him self over anyone or anything else, so that in turn he can support him self, his partner, family, and community.
Now, I am aware that many relationship work that way of giving your love over to your partner for their keeping… well, maybe for a while that is, until the giving partner gets to a place that they have lost a sense of “who” and “what” they are over to their partner in relationship.
I have had the opportunity to see and work with man that have given their power away to their partners, by giving over to the women, simple to major choice’s for them selves, their relationship, and issues about family or work. Let me say that this is not necessarily the woman’s problem and or issue, well, in reality it’s both their responsibility, but more, and especially in this context, the need for the man to take his place in relationship with the woman partner. Right along side the partner, not behind or in front, but right next to each other.
I am also aware that this process of giving away of one’s power, may also happened to the woman in relationship with a man. She loosing her place over the man’s will. It seems to me that either one can come to a deserving place in relationship by creating healthy boundaries; by wanting to care and love one’s self over anyone or anything else. To many, a challenge by the way we have been taught to help, support and love others over our selves.
Now back to the man’s process, I’ve often seen men not wanting to make choices and or take responsibility for him self in relationship, maybe because of past wounds and issues from his cultural domestication, that he has not healed yet. The woman as we often see in human nature, irrelevant of gender, will take command and may even tell him what he needs to do for her and family. Now depending on the unresolved issues the man has with his mother and women in general, he may rebel, succumbs, or align with each other in creating a “mutual” and satisfactory choice. If he rebels, he becomes the child rebelling against mother through his partner. If he succumbs, becoming the victim, he will end up being controlled and or manipulated in doing what she can to make the family safe, sufficient, and functional, creating a bigger victim in him.
The man then losses his place as equal partner, father, and a positive role model for his children and community. He becomes emasculated, as he looses his place as equals in relationship with his partner.
Do you know anyone that lives that way? Would you say that this is the case with your relationship? Do you have children that are emulating those limited traits in you and or your partner as in the case of men and or women loosing their place in relationship? In turn, this may be creating resentment, anger, in you and or partner, and have become a victim about the relationship, that after imploding for so long, you are an “explosion” ready to happen?
Does this sound familiar?
Happy stalking… luis
August 7, 2009 No Comments