Posts from — August 2009

Recently while looking into work opportunities, I found there was underlying nervousness coming up in me over and over. I would go into doing mode to avoid ‘feeling it’ and in doing so I was ‘Feeding’ the underlying pattern, it was growing. The doing was in a scattered way defusing my energy and ended up leaving me feeling exhausted and getting no where.

Well my efforts attracted a set of circumstances that reflected my underlying pattern. I found myself interviewing for an employed position were they were dictating starting salary benefits expected activity levels etc with little regard for my past experience or qualification.

In parallel to this, I was looking into working for myself, a bit closer to my heart’s need for freedom. Anytime I brought my attention to it, I became acutely aware of feelings of nervousness and under that fear, a fear of scarcity, ultimately a fear of death.

I had carried out second round interviews for the employed job. There was a seductive feeling about taking the job, I knew I could do it with my eyes closed, it would allow me the opportunity to straighten things out in my personal finances and it would be nice and safe providing a salary with bonuses and my feelings of nervousness and fear were easing. The best choice my reasoning mind assured me.

But in my heart I knew the job wasn’t for me I could see the pattern as played out many times I’d get in there right on top of it and once settled in a feeling of emptiness would arise and I’d find myself depressed and desperate for a move in 6-12mths time.

So, I chose to sit with the idea of the self-employed opportunity, and there it was fear and nervousness, so I sat with it and felt it, my mind wanted to run the grip of fear intensifying. A wave of sadness came up and I was feeling sick to the stomach a part of me felt like I might be dying. This pattern has for sure ruled my past decisions about work, relations with others, in taking a risk venturing into the unknown in perhaps all areas of my life.

This went on for a few days I’d put time aside and sit with it or walk with it. Then it was as if a hole was poked in the veil of illusion in the fear of death and Life began shining through. I felt myself lighten, a wave of joy came up tears welled, and I began to find it even funny and began to laugh aloud. At that point, it was like something did die in me that which was imitating Life was released back to the Source. A bit like a rock pool at the seashore, believing it’s the ocean been re-merged with the sea by a wave on the rising tide. The block shifted.

What I’ve found is that it was only an emotional pattern held together by the mental constructs of the mind, a Lie disrespecting the natural flow of Life. You’ve probably had similar experiences if not then know that even when in the thick of it, it can feel like your going to die, you will be ok, you will survive and will be that little bit freer on the other side of it. I feel that if I was not practicing the Art of Stalking I might not have even seen the pattern and I would now be embarking on (for me) another freedom robbing job.

With Love and respect on your journey to freedom, Jason.