Posts from — March 2009
Don Luis is in the process of developing his new blog. He will be writing it from his ongoing personal journey of finding balance within himself between his emotional mind of ‘being’ and his mental mind of ‘doing’. He wishes to share this knowledge and understanding with other men who seek a greater understanding of themselves so they can then create a deeper connection to their own feelings and emotions for expression from a place of kindness, compassion and love.
While looking at the ‘blog in progress’ I thought how wonderful he was doing this, that men have very few places where they can meet with other men and share experiences openly and honestly and I remembered a conversation I had had with him a few months ago…
We were talking about my relationship with the man in my life, Paul, and he said, “Cliodhna, you can’t change him, and you as a partner can’t teach him either, but you can show him by setting an example, talk about your emotions with him and live in your own truth as much as you can.”
This is so true, and I am sure I challenge Paul by living in my truth as best I can, but, as long as we communicate with each other how we are feeling about ourselves, each other and our life together we grow from it individually and from that our relationship changes and grow also. What I have come to understand quite strongly though is the fact that by me being emotional and showing him my emotions, helps me to be vulnerable and open and release hidden fears and old wounds but won’t necessarily help him or show him how to do it.
I can provide a safe place for him in which to be open but I cannot teach him to access his emotions or challenge his ideas on what it is to be a man because in society, we as women are supposed to be the emotional ones. It is ‘acceptable’ for us to cry, for us to be irrational, weepy, express doubts and fears. If he wants to learn this, he needs to talk with other men who are on the same path, see other men be emotional, cry, express their fear and see other men face themselves and become stronger in heart for it.
We glorify the image of the strong silent man. Look at our movies and television characters. Hiding his heart and his softness behind a steely exterior he is motivated by a noble cause to go fight evil, he saves the world before tea time whilst suffering not a scratch and rescuing the damsel in distress. He might show a little vulnerability once in a while so we can identify with him as a person, but not too much!
Men doing this work for themselves and accessing their vulnerability challenges me also as a woman. I am just as domesticated in how men ‘should’ be as they are. It challenges that part in me that still wants a man to be strong and look after me, that part in me that also thinks emotions and crying are a sign of weakness and judges me for being emotional. The part in me that will take care of a man and look after his emotions in exchange for love and relationship security.
I am looking at these things bit by bit in my relationship with Paul and I find that as I take my power back and truly express myself then I can love him exactly as he is without needing to manipulate or control, change him or take care of him. It feels very freeing and it makes us both stronger as individuals and as a partnership.
We each have our own strength and weaknesses, as individual souls taking part in this journey here on this earth and also the strength and weaknesses inherent in being male or female and the domestication we have inherited from our predecessors. Until we are in balance as individuals within ourselves and within our relationship with our partner then our families won’t be in balance and our society won’t be in balance.
This is why this blog and Luis’s workshops and journeys to Teotihuacan for men are so important. They provide a safe place for men to do this work for themselves with each other. So my support to all you men out there doing this work for yourselves. We need to stop holding each others fears and start holding our own hearts. Then we can share from a place of love and grow together with our partners and family towards better selves, relationship, family and society.
March 6, 2009 No Comments