“Together Time,” in Relationship
I have found that the concept of “Together time” has a different connotation to humans when in a committed relationship. I know people that require a lot of time together, especially when starting a new relationship that may convey long into their relationship, you know, lot’s of calls, text messages, emails, walks, and evenings spent doing special “projects” together. At the same time, others in relationship may only want a two or three planned activity a week.
I’ve noted that together time varies wildly independent of gender. Many men that I know, have a fear of being confined to the relationship, maybe comparable to the woman’s fear of being abandoned in a relationship? You tell me, women reading this blog if this comparison is fair. Any way, I’ve noticed that some men in relationship are at times concerned about an ever increasing schedule of together time activities that seems to get in the way of the things they enjoying doing as individuals and in relation with beloved.
Many men have seen how male friends, lose their choice in doing activities with close male friends, once they enter a serious relationship. These men may enjoy playing golf, basketball, running/jogging, and or just playing cards one night a week with his male friends. Men that end up selling their fishing boat and or motorcycle once they get into a serious relationship. You know, those friends that are always ready to join you and friends for lunch, and maybe a drink after work, that are never free anymore. We think, why weren’t they strong enough to stand up for the things that are important to them, and at the same time, have a great relationship? Many men see this type of relational dynamic, and think, “Danger! Women take up most of your free time.”
What has been your experience about your loss of choice with friends in relationship, and or have you seen this happen to your relationship, or with friends?
13 comments
As a woman, I also fear being confined in a relationship, but for me the more accurate word is “controlled.” In relationships, I’ve given up female friends and doing things I might otherwise do if I were single… as has my partner, which hasn’t worked for either of us. I think balance is the key.
I want and need my man to be in his power as much as I want to be in my own power. I find that as we work on empowering ourselves and connecting to our essence, we find the path of sharing time together and apart that works for us both. See our website for the Divine Juiciness workshop in Tucson that explores this topic further.
depending on the woman and the relationship and the time i have seen women sort of ” undercover” ” unknown to men” take over the social agenda.. eliminating the undesirables or potential threats usually without the man being aware of what is happening.. he wants happiness… at times not realizing the price he is paying by being asleep . and i have had strong men relationships damaged or destroyed by women “protecting” their relationship by getting me or them out of their relationship world.. this has experienced i have also had the deep pleasure of being married to a wise gentle women who instinctively nudges me to spend time with my men friends… i am sure this next comment might offend some but i had an older man tell me one time… no not a hundred percent ! but often he said if you are having a problem with say a male friend or brother .. look for the hidden woman…. i have found this advice very very helpful… rafael
Thank you Sarah for sharing. I agree with you, that most men, when in fear of relationship, have a tendency of wanting to control women, some what, as men control their own “feminine,” their emotional body, which most likely comes from their own cultural family domestication, what’s been passed down from family and culture. This control of their feelings, and emotions, from my point of view, flows over to women in relationship with men living in fear. From controlling the feminine, the emotional body to the woman that he is in relation with.
That’s one of the reasons for this blog and this Men’s Path of Empowerment teaching. As far as your fear of men wanting to control you, and knowing that, there is nothing out side of you, but your projections of what’s healed or not healed in you. Would you say that this, control issue that you speak about, that you think is coming from men, may be coming from your own fear and projection of the same in you, that keeps attracting controlling men to you?
I also agree with you Sarah, that a “balance” of both energies of the “mind” and “heart,” are very important, as well as creating an emotional communication coming from both partners, in creating a relationship based on love, not fear… is another key point from my perspective, in developing a loving relationship with partner.
Thank you Rafael, for your last comment. Your last statement on your comment brings to mind of how a friend, some time ago, suggested that I start looking for my “hidden women” in me, that’s resulted in this Men’s Path of Empowerment, helping my self and other men connect to their “feminine,” their emotional body.
It’s nice to hear that a woman in relationship is not afraid of having her partner spend time with his male friends, as is the case with your partner. We men need to do things that men need to do with other men, to be men. If we can understand the influence our mothers had to do with our male domestication, in the absence of the father’s, we can also understand how much men need to be with other men to bring out the connection of the mind and the heart in all we do.
Great article!
Being a woman however I recognized quite a lot of the feelings you talk about for men.
I also feel that once I’m in a commited relationship men start to claim my time and space. I feel like being obliged to be there for them all the time and sacrifice my own space and private time.
It is just a couple of weeks ago that I started to feel uncomfortable with it and started to react.
I don’t want my relationship being synonym for becoming “property” of someone else or feel “Big Brother” is watching me.
My feeling is that it is out of fear to loose or not being confident with oneself (selfconfidence) that we start to want to control others and especially our partner.
I feel a healthy relationship is one where there is plenty of time together and also respect for private time. In complete confidence, respect and love for oneself this is not hard to do. On the contrary it feels like natural.
What also triggered me was the fact that I asked myself “why do I attract people who want to control me?”. That’s where I am for the moment and I’m listening carefully if my Mind controls my Heart in a way I don’t like anymore. I believe my Feminine wants to break free and just recently said “enough!”. The challenge for me now: leave her the space to develop this and respect and love her for doing so!
Thank you Maria Magdalena for your comment. Reference your feelings about men claming your time and space… this may be a good time for you to start looking at developing “healthy boundaries” for your self. Healthy boundaries come from you caring for your self so much that you can say no, to others that want you to do something for them that may go against you. This can be a good thing in several way’s, it can help you create healthy boundaries and help you put voice to claiming your truth, that come from your self love and caring.
Healthy boundaries do not come from fear-based thinking but come from your self-love and respect. Once you start to connect with the love in you, you will gladly set healthy boundaries that say, “I love my self so much that I would not ever do that to my self, or have anyone do that to me.”
Yes, a good balance is necessary for a healthy relationship, even though I’ve seen many dysfunctional relationships work when both are willing to look the other way. Your choice!
About others wanting to control you, besides their limitation and need to control you, you may want to look at that in you that you may be projecting it self-back to you. When we humans have control issues that we carry energetically, we ask that of the universe. Heal that in you by sensing and seeing the fear to heal, and the limited reactions to refrain from, as well as learning how to be out of control, and your projection and consequently the attraction will diminish.
As you say, Love can heal so much, and it all starts with you. So MM, how much do you love your self, enough to say no to others that want something from you that goes against you…
Clear communication, no assumptions and ownership of your side of the relationship which most definitely includes the baggage you might be bringing to it.
I have found the only way to have a healthy together time and ‘not together time’ is through clear open communication. You might think your beloved can read your mind, but chances are he/she cannot and needs to be informed of what’s going on and might even need to be reassured that you are not abandoning them in your pursuit of ‘not together time’
In my own relationship I found the I reacted to the wound in me of a controlling mother and would react angrily even teenager rebelliously (which I didn’t dare to do with my mother) if my beloved was making waves about my actions that did not include her.
Once I realized this in me and recognised her need to be reassured I was able to see things as they are and communicate clearly.
Hello Jason. I do agree with you and those who think that an open communication, free of any personal wounds, is crucial for the reciprocal undestanding when we, as men, are in a committed relationship.
I would say that many of as have suffer from an super protective mother when we were a child. A mpther that, like in my personal live, has done the best she cuold do to give me a good and equilibrating education. But , what I undestood in my time, is that not everyone is a good lider when there exist a disfunctional emotional live inside them.
Whe I grew up I was completly happy with the attention of my parents, specially my mother´s. Since I realized that I unconciously took that patern of being her companion and not only her child. Then as I was growing as normal child I realized that suddenly I was sometimes displacing my friends, my life, and my own space, in and intent to make my mother happier. But, Was I her husband? .
What I could feel in many of my friendships, relationships, was that, that precises sensation of “giving my life to others”, that I learned since I was I child, was taken little by little all my young living energy and was unavoidably transforming in a great sensation of a possible “ethernal angry child-men human”, with the constant sensation of victim-judge feedback.
How could I possibly live in a relation with all those disfunctional emotions on my?, certainly I couldn´t. I was projecting all the anger, control, the sensation of living anothers lives to my partners.
When I realized that giving a great attention to my life, my agreements, through the wisdom we are all in, I could feel how living in a commited relationship is everything but a matter of controling the othe, everything but giving up with my own life in an intent to content the other. That person I chose to live with, was suddenly the person I could talk with, that would do her best to understand your need, a person that would give the love she has with no conditions, but with an expressing, when needed, that she needs her intimacy time, or even, when the all agreements fight to come out, that I NEED MY OWN TIME OR INTIMACY.
I DO THANK GOD FOR THAT PRECIOUS “MIRROR”
Thank you to all of you.
Luis for me I have found that if I give credence especially to my so-called bad feelings and then share them with my partner, if they concern say us! or, me.. then, my inner feminine does not turn on me.. and, put me in a bad mood… for instance last night I felt alone and sad when my partner chose to watch tv after me being alone all day and recuperating after being sick, I found myself upset.. so, I have learned to share these unwanted feelings in order to help us grow and not let my inner feminine cause havoc .. bad moods for example.. but, thank god my partner has a gentle heart… with my last wife this was quite impossible because she would get so angry and emotionally violent in her response … so I kept it in.. not good… this I feel a huge problem for men.. we do not argue as well as women and often they go ballistic and we have no real healthy response available.. many of us should leave but the financial devastation that will come to many men after divorce is most horrible… I feel many men are feeling helpless… we can not slap them .. as Shawn Connery said on a Barbara Walter’s special that he feels that it can be appropriate to slap a woman one time if she goes to far… shocking to say the least for him to say that on national tv… I could not even imagine this scenario with my partner, but I most certainly could with other women/wife’s… many men end up in wheel chairs or sick because in many aspects they are helpless… in your book about men I look forward to reading and hopefully this topic will be address… cause in many men-woman relationships unless the man is some kind of super intelligent “curandero” that can read mind’s, he can not win any discussion with an angry immature partner and he ends up worst off many times… that is why we eat our feelings that we fear unpleasant encounters.. any way, a little rambling on a sunday morning .. Love Rafa
Thank you Rafa for your comment about expressing “bad” feelings in you or about your relationship to your partner. That makes for good communication, and good “kind, compassionate, and loving” communication brings about a good loving relationship.
I’m glad to hear that you are in a good relationship with a “gentle heart” and may recommend that you attempt to heal your last relationship with your last partner. From my perspective, there is something keeping you connected to that past limited relationship. You may want to try absolution, forgive her brother, for her actions and you, for choosing to be in relationship with her. No rambling Rafa, this is all good stuff, my best to you… luis
Dear Don Luis, Thank you for your presence, the teachings you so firmly and lovingly imparted to me, the Heart opening I experienced with you and the men in Brotherhood that we live together! It is good to re-connect with you again! As you know, the “woman I was looking for” I found in me, in my opened Heart which is now more open , and Grateful! May I share this poem titled DrumCircle-
DrumCircle
In our Hearts we carry
The song of our Fathers
and Grandfathers.
And when we walk, you can notice
Our slight limp.
And in our walk you can see
The stride of the Warrior.
Yet in our Hearts you can hear
The Drumbeat of the Elders.
And like our Circle Fire,
Our Hearts carry the Flame
Of Forgiveness and Compassion.
The Ancient Teaching has brought us
Together again in Circle. We carry
The stories of the Warrior and we sing
The songs of the Whale,
The White Wolf and the Shaman.
The Elders of the Ancient Teaching
Gave us their Heartbeat, and we
Have now come together again for them,
For ourselves,
And for all Beings.
May our drumbeat synchronize all of our Hearts together,
May our Circle embrace you our young women,
Our boys-becoming-men,
May our Circle embrace all Beings,
And embrace this Mother Earth as us.
James Smallwood/Santiago,
For the DrumCircle 2005
Rafa’s message reminds me of why the relationship with my beloved has gotten better and that’s Forgiveness. I’ve found the more I can bring my awareness to that in me that needs healing then with some understanding and mostly forgiveness I can move on.
This last 6months I have healed much with my mother and that in me. If either of us were to die tomorrow I would have no regrets all that needs to be said has been all I can do now is Love her where she is, and the same for myself. In doing so I can bring this into my relationships with my beloved and other women in my life.
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